Dear B and K,
It may not be the traditional thing for the birthmom to write to the adoptive parents. Usually it’s the children or the adoptive parents writing to the birthmom or the birthmom writing to a child (like I did with my letter to Colin), but I was sitting here thinking and realized that I have so many things I want you to know as well. Some of these things I’ve probably said and maybe some of them I haven’t.
The first thing I want you both to know is that even though I’ve only known you for such a short amount of time (even though it feels like we’ve been friends for a lot longer!) I can honestly and truly call you a part of my family. There is a bond and love here that no one will be able to replace or tear apart.
I mention a lot of the pain that I’m going through and believe me this is not to make you feel bad at all! I’m quicker to talk about the pain of placing Colin than I am to talk about the joy of it. I love you guys for so much that you haven’t even technically done yet; for the home you’re going to provide this little monkey with; for the financial stability; for the two-parent household. I love you for the things that I know you’ll provide for him; the things that at the moment I can’t.
I hope you don’t feel like you owe me anything because (and don’t take this the wrong way- it’s meant to be completely positive) I’m not giving Colin to you; I’m giving you to Colin. He deserves the best and that’s what you are. You’re his gift and I didn’t realize that until today. You’re his parents and he is your son and he is my birthson; my pride and joy and nothing in this world is going to change that; any of that. He has so much love already and while it makes me sad to know that I won’t get to hold him every day. It makes me happy to know that I gave him what I wanted to give him all along. I gave him a family. He has two dads, two moms, three grandmas and grandparents, and a WHOLE bunch of aunts and uncles. He is loved and for that I’m so happy.
The second thing is that I don’t want you guys to be afraid of saying something wrong around me. Don’t be afraid to call him your son; your little boy; your baby. He IS. I may call him mine from time to time (such as my birthson, my baby, my little monkey) and in a sense I do feel like he always will be. That’s not to take away from your role as his parents at all! He is just as much yours as mine and as much mine as yours. It’s the parental and unconditional love that makes someone a mother or father. I’m not his mom and I’ll never try to be. I’m his birthmom and I’ll respect that role and be proud of it.
Another thing is that when he is FINALLY here please don’t feel like you’re being “pushy” if you send me little updates (even if it’s every 5 minutes –I’ll keep my phone on silent when I’m in class) or thousands of pictures. I’m going to be grateful for every single one and there won’t be a single time where a “he has the sweetest smile” or “he just loves being on his tummy” texts annoy me. Those small little things are going to mean everything to me! And don’t be afraid to tell me how much you missed him if you went away on a trip or even out to eat. I love knowing how much you love him! Don’t think for a second that it’s going to hurt my feelings. I’ll be the first one to tell you everyday how much I miss him so don’t be afraid to tell me the same. Now I’m not saying you have to text me 24/7 I’m just letting you know that you’ll never come off as “pushy” or “annoying” to me.
In fact, even though I am going to love to hear about him, you can always text or email me or facebook me about anything! You guys are family and I want to know what you guys are up to and to tell you how college is. I’ll probably need help on homework or just need advice. Colin brought us together but that doesn’t mean that you can’t ask about me or I can’t ask about you. Keep sending me pictures of Milo and Jasper, send me pictures of you guys just hanging out and being silly if you want! (although I would love pictures of Colin “cuddling” with Milo and Jasper!) I care about you guys just like I care about Colin. You’re family now; you’re not just my little monkey’s parents. You’re not someone I HAVE to talk to. You two are family that I WANT to talk to.
When he gets older and starts to color and he makes 8,000 pictures of nothing but scribbles please don’t throw them out. I would be more than happy to have pictures of nothing but scribbles. And all the pictures you send don’t have to be perfect. I want to see him acting silly and pouting. I want to see him as he is.
Life isn’t easy but it’s worth it and I’m so grateful to know that Colin is going to have two amazing parents that love him unconditionally. I hope you both know that you can come to me with anything. Whether it is fears or maybe I’m getting “annoying” with texts or emails. Please know that you can talk to me about it. Conversation and trust is huge in open adoption. I trust that you’ll take amazing care of my little monkey and you have to trust that I’m going to make this decision and that I’m going to respect my role as birthmom and your roles as mom and dad.
I’m lucky to have you two in my life. I seriously don’t know what I would do without you.