The gift of a child

I don't think there is a more precious and amazing gift than the gift of a child and today I got to experience what it is like to give that gift to someone; to an adoptive couple who have been praying for a child to call their own. 

I will just say that no matter how hard the choice to place your own flesh and blood up for adoption is this part is truly amazing. To know that you just made someones day a miracle is the most amazing feeling in the world. I told the adoptive mom tonight and to hear how excited and happy she was made all of this worth it. I gave her something that very very few people will be able to give her and her husband. That is the gift of a child. 

It's not an easy choice to decide on adoption but not all of it is horrible. You can change so many people's lives for the better. This little boy is going to have two amazing parents (and one awesome birthmom too!!) and a life that alone I would never be able to provide. This couple is going to experience the joys of raising their first baby and all the excitement that comes along with that. I'll be able to go to college and watch this little boy grow and smile and I'll know that everyone is so happy with the decision. 

I'm excited to go shopping with the new momma for baby clothes! I know I'm going to spoil this little monkey to death. He's never going to be short on clothes and toys! It is going to be great to be able to have that bonding time with the adoptive parents too before he gets here. 

Also he now has a name: Colin Tony-Gerald. 

He is named after both my grandpa who is struggling with cancer and also after his adoptive momma's grandpa who has passed away. We are honoring to amazing men in our lives with this amazing child and I am so so proud to call myself his birthmom. 

A Letter to Me

I see all of these people writing letters to themselves. They usually start out with "Dear 17 year old me" or something along those lines. Well I'm going to do things a little different....

Dear 40 year old me, 

I hope your life turned out the way I always dreamed it would. I hope you're married and you're the parent to 3 beautiful children and that you've kept in contact with your adorable birthson. I wonder what he'll look like and be doing with his life by the time you turn 40 and reread this letter. 

Did you become a social worker? Did you buy that house you've always dreamed off? Did you make a difference in the world like you promised you would? How's mom and dad? Have you called them up lately? 

I'm just writing to you to remind you to stop and breathe. Take the time to remember "Hearts Forever" (hopefully you have that tattoo by now); remember all the heart breaks you've went through; remember the joy of when your dad came home from the hospital after his kidney transplant; remember the laughs and all of the crazy things you did in high school; take a moment to remember how scared you were when you found out you were pregnant at 17 and the happiness I hope you finally found after placing this little man (who is kicking inside my tummy right now) into the arms of another couple. 

You may be older but try not to forget butterfly kisses, playing games with your siblings after being told to go to bed, getting accepted into college, getting your first guitar (I hope you FINALLY learned to play), graduating from high school, movie nights with the family even if some of the movies were really stupid, and when you recorded that song (you finally felt like you accomplished one of your childhood dreams). 

You went through a lot in your first 18 years and no matter how scary and horrible things were at the time you made it through. Whatever you may have going on now always remember that in life there is only one sure thing: it goes on. 

I hope you never grew up more than you had to; I hope you kept that inner child alive and that you still dream with your whole heart. I hope you've kept your head up, but tried to remember that being strong doesn't mean you can't cry. I hope you grew to be the woman I know I can be. 

I hope you never had any regrets. 

-18 year old you. 

This Ain't Goodbye...

A Journey Begins with a Single Step

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. 

We've all heard that quote. One you may or may not have heard before is: Even the longest journey must begin where you stand. 

Both are great quotes but now here I am sitting on my bed, writing my first blog post, wondering: how many miles have I walked? Where do I stand? 

We could always start with the facts: 

Fact: I'm currently 18 years old. 

Fact: I graduated from high school in May of 2012

Fact: I live in No Where, USA (aka everyone knows everything about you- even the things that you don't know about yourself) 

Fact: I'm 27 weeks (and 4 days) pregnant. 

Fact: It's a boy

Fact: I'm placing him up for open adoption. 

If you've never been in this type of position and are wondering why I'm placing my own flesh and blood into the arms of another couple than we'll continue:

Fact: I have no degree

Fact: I have no job

Fact: I have no money

Fact: The father of this child doesn't have any of those either

Fact: I'm single

Fact: I live with my parents, my 5 younger siblings, a dog, 2 turtles, and I lost count on the number of fish

Fact: I could be a wonderful mother

Fact: He deserves better than just a wonderful mother

Fact: He's going to have a wonderful life

So where do I stand? 

In the hardest position I've ever been in. 

For those of you who don't know much about open adoption I'll give you a brief description: An open adoption is an adoption where the birthmom and birthdad have contact with the adoptive family and child after placement. The openness of the adoption varies from situation to situation but most include visits, pictures, and updates of the child at least a couple times a year. 

So lets quickly go over a few more facts: 

Fact: I'm going to be able to visit this child

Fact: I'll get pictures and updates

Fact: I'll be able to tell him in person how much I love him

Fact: He'll grow up understanding that I did want him but I wanted him to have a better life

Fact: It's not goodbye, it's see you later

A million things run through my mind on a daily basis and I've wished so many times and prayed to God that my life would take a miraculous turn. That some how I'd be 3 years older, almost have my degree, have a stable job, have a place of my own, and have a husband. I'd wish that I could be his mom. What I'm starting to realize however is that I am a mom. I won't be a parent, but I am his mom. I love this little boy more than anything in this entire world and it's because I love him that I'm able to do this. He gives me the strength to do this. 

God works in strange ways. He pushes us to what we think are our limits and continues to push us past them. One year ago if someone had asked me if I got pregnant would you be able to give your baby up for adoption I probably would have said no. Looking at it now though it is such a beautiful situation; a scary, sad, confusing, beautiful situation. 

God gave me this baby so that I could give the gift of a child to a couple who couldn't have biological children. He gave me this sweet little boy and asked me to care him, to love him and to carry him for a waiting mother who couldn't. I'm doing His work. He didn't plan on leaving me empty and alone though. He showed me what an open adoption could be like. Through this child he has taught me that it's not what I'm giving up, but what I'm giving; it's not how hard the choice is but how easy it is to love someone enough to make it; and that even in the scariest situations something beautiful can happen. 

Loved you yesterday; love you still. Always have; always will.

89<3