Saturday, September 1, 2012

A Journey Begins with a Single Step

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. 

We've all heard that quote. One you may or may not have heard before is: Even the longest journey must begin where you stand. 

Both are great quotes but now here I am sitting on my bed, writing my first blog post, wondering: how many miles have I walked? Where do I stand? 

We could always start with the facts: 

Fact: I'm currently 18 years old. 
Fact: I graduated from high school in May of 2012
Fact: I live in No Where, USA (aka everyone knows everything about you- even the things that you don't know about yourself) 
Fact: I'm 27 weeks (and 4 days) pregnant. 
Fact: It's a boy
Fact: I'm placing him up for open adoption. 

If you've never been in this type of position and are wondering why I'm placing my own flesh and blood into the arms of another couple than we'll continue:

Fact: I have no degree
Fact: I have no job
Fact: I have no money
Fact: The father of this child doesn't have any of those either
Fact: I'm single
Fact: I live with my parents, my 5 younger siblings, a dog, 2 turtles, and I lost count on the number of fish
Fact: I could be a wonderful mother
Fact: He deserves better than just a wonderful mother
Fact: He's going to have a wonderful life

So where do I stand? 

In the hardest position I've ever been in. 

For those of you who don't know much about open adoption I'll give you a brief description: An open adoption is an adoption where the birthmom and birthdad have contact with the adoptive family and child after placement. The openness of the adoption varies from situation to situation but most include visits, pictures, and updates of the child at least a couple times a year. 

So lets quickly go over a few more facts: 

Fact: I'm going to be able to visit this child
Fact: I'll get pictures and updates
Fact: I'll be able to tell him in person how much I love him
Fact: He'll grow up understanding that I did want him but I wanted him to have a better life
Fact: It's not goodbye, it's see you later

A million things run through my mind on a daily basis and I've wished so many times and prayed to God that my life would take a miraculous turn. That some how I'd be 3 years older, almost have my degree, have a stable job, have a place of my own, and have a husband. I'd wish that I could be his mom. What I'm starting to realize however is that I am a mom. I won't be a parent, but I am his mom. I love this little boy more than anything in this entire world and it's because I love him that I'm able to do this. He gives me the strength to do this. 

God works in strange ways. He pushes us to what we think are our limits and continues to push us past them. One year ago if someone had asked me if I got pregnant would you be able to give your baby up for adoption I probably would have said no. Looking at it now though it is such a beautiful situation; a scary, sad, confusing, beautiful situation. 

God gave me this baby so that I could give the gift of a child to a couple who couldn't have biological children. He gave me this sweet little boy and asked me to care him, to love him and to carry him for a waiting mother who couldn't. I'm doing His work. He didn't plan on leaving me empty and alone though. He showed me what an open adoption could be like. Through this child he has taught me that it's not what I'm giving up, but what I'm giving; it's not how hard the choice is but how easy it is to love someone enough to make it; and that even in the scariest situations something beautiful can happen. 

Loved you yesterday; love you still. Always have; always will.

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