Dear my little monkey,
You’re growing bigger and stronger every day. Right now you’re still in my belly and I can tell you right now that I am so excited to hold you! Sometimes I sit up all night wondering what you’re going to look like. I wonder if you’ll look anything like me and if you’ll act anything like I do. You’re already really silly. You love to wake me up by kicking me very very early in the morning (usually about 5am!) I wonder if you’ll be a morning person. I have so many questions about the future, but one thing I know I won’t have to worry about is you getting the love and care you need.
Adoption is the hardest thing in the world. Don’t for one second ever feel like I did this because I didn’t love you. I love you more than anything in the world, monkey. Ever since I found out I was pregnant with you, you have been my entire world! When I first found out I was pregnant, I was scared but I thought I would be able to raise you. I didn’t think for a minute about not calling you mine. I didn’t have a plan but I knew that I had to have you in my life.
I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t have any money, a car (I didn’t even have my license), a home, a job, or a boyfriend/husband. The only thing I had was you, honey and that was enough. It was enough for me. The problem was that it wasn’t enough for you. The more I thought about you and how much I loved you the more clear everything became. I wanted more for you. I wanted you to grow up in a nice finacially stable home with a mommy and a daddy. I wanted you to have the best life possible and have all the opportunities.
It was the hardest thing in the world to realize that adoption was the best plan for you. I met with this social worker and she was super nice! She taught me a lot about adoption and also about “open adoption”. She said that I could place you for adoption and still be able to watch you grow up and see you. I couldn’t pass something like that up. Here was a plan where I could give you the life you deserved and still be able to have you in my life; to tell you just how much I love you.
Soon after that I started looking at couples that wanted to adopt. I went through profile, after profile, after profile. I looked at the couples from the agency, couples from online profiles and even from other agencies. I searched high and low for the perfect mommy and daddy for you. I started talking to your mommy after I saw her’s and your daddy’s profile. They looked so silly (in a good way of course). They looked kind, loving, goofy, and as silly as it sounds they looked like parents. I could picture them holding you and taking care of you. Something just told me that these two were the ones.
I met your mommy and daddy in September for pizza and cupcakes! I officially made up my mind about them the moment we started talking. I didn’t do much of the talking but things just felt right. I told your mommy that night after meeting them that they were going to be parents! They couldn’t have been happier, honey! I knew from that moment that your life was going to be filled with so much love.
I want you to have everything you want out of life. Whatever you want to do in your life I’ll always be ther e to support you. You can grow up to be whatever you want to be. Dream big. No dream is to far out of reach. You can be an astronaut, a firefighter, a doctor, a teacher, an artist, or even all of those things if you really want to. I want you to grow up knowing that you’re loved by so many people. I want you to grow up and be someone YOU can be proud of because I will always be proud of you. I hope that this life becomes all that you want it to.
It’s not easy to place such an important part of your life into someone else’s arms but I think I’m making the right choice and I hope one day you feel like I did. I just want so much for you, monkey; so much that I’m afraid I can’t give to you right now. One thing I can always give you though is my love. Never doubt my love for you. Words can’t explain how much I love and care about you. I would do anything in the world for you. Everything you do, every kick and squirm inside my belly and every hiccup too, amazes me. I promise you that I will always be here for you. You can call me at 3 in the morning just because you can’t sleep or you don’t feel good and I would talk to you until your eyes can’t stay open anymore. If you ever need me you let me know and I’ll be there for you. You will always be my little monkey.
I love you to the moon and back, Colin.